Firstly, it grows densely so that the prospect for weeds is reduced considerably (not appropriate for St. Johnstone or Kabaddi fields, therefore).

Second, it does not grow tall but stays at a comfortable few centimetres high. A considerable saving can be made here in the cost of sharpening mower blades, which could trickle down to the fans and reduce ticket prices (a bit).

Third, it is quite springy, which will allow our forwards the opportunity to leap to head magnificently into the opponent's net. It does not seem to be able to encourage or improve the crosses, however.

Fourth, it spreads, and does not seed. This prompts the question of how the first zoysia plant ever came into existence, but is beyond the scope of this narrative. Clearly, there is a big advantage here. It does not spread quickly enough to replace divots by half-time, but will, given a bit of encouragement and a few years, convert those nasty concrete terraces into the grassy banks of yesterday. And in promotion years it will, during the off-season, handily replace those clumps of grass removed by adoring fans (what do they do with them?). Obviously, this will be of no advantage to the guardians of Craven Cottage and Kenilworth Road.

Fifth, and thankfully, finally, when it gets cold, it turns brown. I'm not sure how this would be a good thing, except that we could play with a green ball. That would be fun.

Strategic opportunities? Well, points two and three above will allow us to take advantage of those very few teams who might think they are better than us, e.g Cambridge. We could ensure that their goalmouth is composed of ordinary grass, long (for getting your feet tangled up in), and less springy. The problems foreseen with implementing this strategy are that we would need to win the toss every time (bent coins and referees department), and train the "divot-men" to switch goal-mouth grasses at half-time on their forks, although the swivelling, rotating pitch idea could well be put into effect, here. Maybe the Japanese will come up with migrating zoysia grass soon, which can be trained to switch ends at half-time.