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The Agricultural Supplement:
Come on moo Horns!
By our agriculture correspondent, Henry Fruitbottom
Have you heard the moos down at Vicarage Road?

You soon will, because the Hertfordshire club has unveiled plans to use the latest genetic engineering technology to boost attendances at matches. From October, specially bred cows will be allowed into areas of the ground.

When BSaD interviewed recently-appointed chief executive Howard Wells the udder day, he had all the answers down pat. "We've been examining the possibility of genetic engineering for some time", he said. "Football supporters can be an unruly bunch, always complaining about something. Some of them are known students. Science now gives us the chance to change all that."

A cow. (Not actual size)

So, why cows? Wells explains. "They seem content to stand still, chew thoughtfully and stare blankly into space for hours on end - ideal spectators for the first round of the Worthington Cup."

But these aren't ordinary bovine fans, says Wells. "The advantage of genetic engineering is that we have full control. For example, a herd of black and white cows in the lower Rous could create all kinds of problems if we're playing Bolton. They could be mistaken for away cows and, before you know it, the hooves are flying. So we asked the scientists to take parakeet genes and introduce them to our four-legged supporters." The result? Yellow, red and black cows, complete with "Le Cow Sportif" logo.

Wells shrugs off the suggestion that the sudden influx of farmyard animals will create difficulties. "There will be initial obstacles, obviously, but we're putting plans into place to overcome them. As some fans will have noticed, the new kit has been manufactured in extra large sizes suitable for cows. And there are some hidden advantages too - your average heifer takes up three seats, thus tripling ticket revenue overnight. Brilliant, eh?"

Remember, you herd it hear first!

(All details incorrect at time of going to press.)