Have you heard the moos down at Vicarage Road?
You soon will, because the Hertfordshire club has unveiled plans to use the latest
genetic engineering technology to boost attendances at matches. From October,
specially bred cows will be allowed into areas of the ground.
When BSaD interviewed recently-appointed chief executive Howard Wells the udder
day, he had all the answers down pat. "We've been examining the possibility of
genetic engineering for some time", he said. "Football supporters can be an unruly
bunch, always complaining about something. Some of them are known students.
Science now gives us the chance to change all that."
A cow. (Not actual size)
So, why cows? Wells explains. "They seem content to stand still, chew thoughtfully
and stare blankly into space for hours on end - ideal spectators for the first round
of the Worthington Cup."
But these aren't ordinary bovine fans, says Wells. "The advantage of genetic engineering
is that we have full control. For example, a herd of black and white cows in the lower
Rous could create all kinds of problems if we're playing Bolton. They could be mistaken
for away cows and, before you know it, the hooves are flying. So we asked the scientists
to take parakeet genes and introduce them to our four-legged supporters." The result? Yellow,
red and black cows, complete with "Le Cow Sportif" logo.
Wells shrugs off the suggestion that the sudden influx of farmyard animals will create
difficulties. "There will be initial obstacles, obviously, but we're putting plans into
place to overcome them. As some fans will have noticed, the new kit has been manufactured
in extra large sizes suitable for cows. And there are some hidden advantages too - your average heifer takes
up three seats, thus tripling ticket revenue overnight. Brilliant, eh?"
Remember, you herd it hear first!
(All details incorrect at time of going to press.)