At the end of this utterly horrendous process, I probably know the staff of Microsoft UK considerably better than Bill Gates does. I'm certainly familiar enough with their record collection - the music you get when you're on hold is an unholy combination of the Bangles, T'Pau and Michael Jackson (the nauseating one about making the world a better place for you and for me), plus a monumentally maudlin bit of music used by the contract services department.

I should point out that I've not just been giving Microsoft grief with my troubles. I posted the problem to a relevant newsgroup where it sat pathetically for a couple of days while the world looked on cluelessly. The Nice Man From Intel sent me a couple of emails, concluding with the phrase "I'm at a loss for words" (that really inspires confidence, y'know).

Even better was the encounter with Borland. I phoned them and, after the usual messing about, got through to development support. I described the problem (by that stage, I had gone through it so many times and in such detail that I should have just sat back and played a tape) and the bloke at the other end said, "Ouch" (never a particularly good sign, that). Then, after a suitably ponderous pause, he said, "So you know about palettes, do you?" and proceeded to ask me questions about someone else's palette code!

Then, finally, the solution. After a sleepless night spent thinking of palettes and video and brushes and lookups, I sussed it. I phoned Microsoft (again) and spent 45 minutes being passed from department to department before I found someone who had the faintest idea what I was talking about. And then, at last, the thing I'd been waiting to hear...the bug I'd spent two and a half weeks trying to fix was Microsoft's blasted undocumented bug all along.

I went down the pub. It seemed like the only thing to do.