|Position:||Right wing / right back|
Dear Mr Bazeley,
As legal representatives for the Watford webzine known as "Blind, Stupid and Desperate", we have been asked to approach you in an attempt to reach an amicable settlement to the current dispute between yourself and our clients.
You will no doubt be aware that our clients, in the shape of various contributors to the afore-mentioned publication, particularly its editor, have been less than complimentary about your footballing prowess. Without wishing to provoke you further, we would draw your attention to the phrases "arse-explodingly frustrating", "a winger that can't cross is like a tap-dancing chicken that doesn't lay eggs" and "standing rooted on the touchline while the play bypasses him, like an old lady waiting for a non-existent bus".
While our clients feel that such comments were fully justified and have no intention of offering a retraction, they do believe that the time has come to, colloquially speaking, "bury the hatchet".
Following the unfortunate injury to Mr Nigel Gibbs, our clients accept that you have filled an important gap within the first team at Watford Football Club during some demanding but successful months.
Further, they applaud your consistency throughout this period - "pleasingly innocuous, like the medium mature Cheddar cheese in a good sandwich", as the editor eccentrically puts it. They acknowledge that your solo effort away at Bury was an absolute masterpiece of controlled ambition. They are hugely encouraged, almost thrilled, to be able to say that you have become a right back of some distinction. As a show of goodwill, they have also promised that, although you were "hung, drawn and quartered" by Mr David Ginola, no more mention will be made of it.
We believe that both yourself and our clients have made significant steps towards reconciliation, and hope that this dispute will soon be resolved on a permanent basis.
Donkshank, Burble and Whizzcrapper