When I'm not moaning about Watford only being four points clear at the
top of the table, there's nothing I like better than a good read of
some classic literature. Still, I've always felt there's something
missing. Football, namely. After all, would Shakespeare really have
written about Danish princes if there had been Sky Sports in the
Elizabethan era? Would Homer really have bothered with the Trojan War
had he known of the Herts Senior Cup? No, the classics need to move
with the times, and be about football and nothing but.
To this end I've exhumed (or asked nicely, where appropriate) four leading
writers to re-write their works and make them more relevant to "The
Beautiful Game". Here are brief synopses of the results.
Moby Dick (or the Devon White Whale) : Herman Melville
"Call me Darren". So begins this rip-roaring tale of one man's
single-minded pursuit of the leviathan that will bring him glory,
narrated by a young full-back. Captain Roeder is a mad despotic
tyrant, who's searching for the 6ft striker whose agent bit off his
leg in a previous transfer negotiation. At the end, Roeder gets his
man, but the club goes down, taking everyone with it. This book works
as an allegory, a tribute to determination, and gives a brilliant
description of transfer dealings at a mid-size first division club in
exacting and tedious detail. By the time you've read it you'll feel
like you've sat through three Portsmouth away games back-to-back.
Waiting for Graham : Samuel Beckett
Memorably described as the play where "Nothing happens. Twice.", this
play was clearly inspired by many Watford matches of the mid-90s. Two
fans stand on a football terrace. It turns out they are waiting for
Graham, who never turns up. It becomes clear to the audience that
Graham is not likely to turn up, nor do they know what to do if he
did, or why they are waiting, and the characters are stuck in an
endless cycle of trying to find a way to stave off boredom each day
while waiting, never trying to seek their own destiny nor learning the
lessons of the past.
Turnippa : Daphne Du Maurier
On a scouting mission in Europe, Miss Bassett meets the millionaire
Elton de John and they are married. Bassett is from a humble
background in south London, though, and finds it difficult to adjust to
life as Lady of the House. The servants don't take to her,
particularly Mrs Blisset, the chilling housekeeper who has been there
for donkey's years and seems to have a better idea of how to run
things. With Elton away for much of the time, Bassett finds it
difficult to assert herself. Bassett's sense of unease is heightened
by the difficulty of living in the shadow of Elton's previous wife,
the much loved and glamorous Turnippa, with whom Bassett is
continually being unfavourably compared.
Gullitus Caesar : William Shakespeare
Caesar, cold and aloof, is the great man at the height of his power,
brought down by hubris. Cassius Bates with his "lean and hungry look"
recruits Brutus Vialli, "the noblest Roman of them all", into his
conspiracy to assassinate Caesar on the Ides of February. Gullitus
suspects something but his comment "let me have men around me that are
gross" is misunderstood by Cassius, who is worried about his
wage-bill. He also makes the mistake of thinking Brutus will be pacified
by his Porsche. Brutus's success is short-lived though as Mark
Anthony Hughes comes to bury Gullit, not to praise him, but makes a
brilliant inspiring speech at the subsequent press-conference,
unleashing indignation and causing widespread anarchy with a view to
his own take-over. That of course also goes pear-shaped when he
starts getting involved with Manchester girl band Cleopatra, but
that's one for the sequel.