January sales
By Martin Blanc
Soon, they tell us, January sales will be a thing of the past. But before
you start withholding your Xmas readies in favour of year-round loyalty
card discounts (sort of like what season tickets used to be), we'd like to
tell you about a few bargains coming your way over the next few weeks.
Working Models
Clint Easton (1 left)
Clint is a handsome toy, finely manicured and kitted out every week for his
showjumping outings across the Vicarage Road pitch. Has been left to canter
round the stable recently, thank goodness, as his empty prancing was
pissing off the workhorses.*
(*Every Clint comes free with its own Des Lyttle - sorry, Des is not
optional, you have to take him. Please.)
Steve Palmer
Reluctant sale, genuine reason - big heart, small engine, has been visibly
underpowered for far too long, so may need overhaul (or FA coaching
course). Fine pedigree (BA Cantab, we believe). All serious offers
considered.
Chris Day
Useful for scaring defences into working twice as hard, not just to
compensate for his erratic demonstrations but also from his wind-up
shouting - pull the string out of his back and hear him repeat well-worn
tirades (such as "**** your ****ing ******, Robbo/Pagey/Des") but buyers beware that
having one around can bugger your barometer for what makes a first-class
first team goalie.*
(*Every Chris comes with a random-brilliant-performance generator, so you
never know...)
Souvenirs
Tommy Mooney
Once a crock of gold, now a crock, epitomises everything that was great
about our store, before we went upmarket, that is. Can make one Duracell
last an incredibly long time, but timing totally gone (especially in the
box). What am I bid?
Nick Wright
Best on his back (either injured, or engaged in a never-to-be-repeated
bicycle kick). Anyone need a horizontal footballer?
Mark Williams
Sometimes you get what you pay for. Buy him a drink and ask him about his
FA Cup run, that miracle goal against Leeds, and why he never offered to
play centre-forward after that, where his formerly wild-and-fresh and now
just plain wild kicking would have been far better utilised.
Nordin Wooter
Dutch doll. Nearly new.
And finally, the Lucky Dip
You could find yourself the proud owner of any number of the following
insubstantial trinkets that would doubtless adorn a lower division club of
which you might be the wealthy but tasteless owner: choose from such
obscure gems as Adrian Bakalli, James Panayi, David Perpetuini (not as
obscure as he used to be), Dominic Foli, Tommi Mooni (QVC replica, not to
be confused with the deluxe original artist above), Colin Plucki, and many
more.
We should point out that all these items are sold only in the forlorn hope
that we will have restocked with something better in the meantime,
otherwise you're going to find that we'll need the loan of them all back
off you once you've parted with your dosh - but season ticket holders are
used to that sort of double-dipping, aren't you. Of course, if you see
something else you like in the store that's not marked down as sale goods,
please ask an attendant and we'll probably flog off what caught your eye
anyway.
Oh yeah, Derby...Derby...yes, we turned up, ran around for ninety minutes. Yes,
yes. No, lost 2-0. I know...yes, no, did their best...loads of near
misses...well, a couple...Ngonge, who else...yes, disappointing...call you
later. I'm off down the shops.
