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FA Carling Premiership, 3/1/00
Derby County
January sales
By Martin Blanc

Soon, they tell us, January sales will be a thing of the past. But before you start withholding your Xmas readies in favour of year-round loyalty card discounts (sort of like what season tickets used to be), we'd like to tell you about a few bargains coming your way over the next few weeks.

Working Models

Clint Easton (1 left)
Clint is a handsome toy, finely manicured and kitted out every week for his showjumping outings across the Vicarage Road pitch. Has been left to canter round the stable recently, thank goodness, as his empty prancing was pissing off the workhorses.*

(*Every Clint comes free with its own Des Lyttle - sorry, Des is not optional, you have to take him. Please.)

Steve Palmer
Reluctant sale, genuine reason - big heart, small engine, has been visibly underpowered for far too long, so may need overhaul (or FA coaching course). Fine pedigree (BA Cantab, we believe). All serious offers considered.

Chris Day
Useful for scaring defences into working twice as hard, not just to compensate for his erratic demonstrations but also from his wind-up shouting - pull the string out of his back and hear him repeat well-worn tirades (such as "**** your ****ing ******, Robbo/Pagey/Des") but buyers beware that having one around can bugger your barometer for what makes a first-class first team goalie.*

(*Every Chris comes with a random-brilliant-performance generator, so you never know...)


Tommy Mooney
Once a crock of gold, now a crock, epitomises everything that was great about our store, before we went upmarket, that is. Can make one Duracell last an incredibly long time, but timing totally gone (especially in the box). What am I bid?

Nick Wright
Best on his back (either injured, or engaged in a never-to-be-repeated bicycle kick). Anyone need a horizontal footballer?

Mark Williams
Sometimes you get what you pay for. Buy him a drink and ask him about his FA Cup run, that miracle goal against Leeds, and why he never offered to play centre-forward after that, where his formerly wild-and-fresh and now just plain wild kicking would have been far better utilised.

Nordin Wooter
Dutch doll. Nearly new.

And finally, the Lucky Dip

You could find yourself the proud owner of any number of the following insubstantial trinkets that would doubtless adorn a lower division club of which you might be the wealthy but tasteless owner: choose from such obscure gems as Adrian Bakalli, James Panayi, David Perpetuini (not as obscure as he used to be), Dominic Foli, Tommi Mooni (QVC replica, not to be confused with the deluxe original artist above), Colin Plucki, and many more.

We should point out that all these items are sold only in the forlorn hope that we will have restocked with something better in the meantime, otherwise you're going to find that we'll need the loan of them all back off you once you've parted with your dosh - but season ticket holders are used to that sort of double-dipping, aren't you. Of course, if you see something else you like in the store that's not marked down as sale goods, please ask an attendant and we'll probably flog off what caught your eye anyway.

Oh yeah, Derby...Derby...yes, we turned up, ran around for ninety minutes. Yes, yes. No, lost 2-0. I know...yes, no, did their best...loads of near misses...well, a couple...Ngonge, who else...yes, you later. I'm off down the shops.