What happened last season?
Being fans that believe we have the God given right to be in the Premier League (© all opposition fans) it was something of a shock to find ourselves dropping out of the top division into the second/first/championship. But at least we had a promising finish to the season, and if we could keep the same squad then we should be there-or-thereabouts (©Andy Townsend).
Then arguably our best player became the biggest mercenary in the game. Henri Camara refused to train with the team and was shipped out on loan to Celtic (arriving by saying that he has always followed Celtic as a boy - from Senegal!). Then captain Paul Butler was offered a one year deal, but Leeds offered him a two year deal and he was shipped out too. We bought in the new Patrick Vieira from a Norweigan side. Seyi Olifinjana (or "George", as we know him) chose us over the then European Champions because it was God's wish apparently. Then our Romanian international striker picked up an injury to keep him out of the coming season and things weren't quite as rosy as we had hoped.
And so the season showed. Draws and defeats aplenty in the first few months left us dangerously close to the dropzone and out went Dave Jones and in came nobody. We wandered like a ship without a rudder hoping that the Ginger Chimp from our near neighbours wouldn't jump ship across to ours. Fortunately he didn't and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. And then a strange thing happened. God fearing Glenn came to our rescue. Slowly and surely the ship started to turn around. Performances became much better, we started attacking and stopped losing. But carried on drawing. I can't begin to tell you how many draws we had. Probably the same amount as the Ikea bedroom dept. We finished reasonably well, damning our poor start to the season. Still, a new season is only a few weeks away.
What's going to happen next season?
We've currently got 3 bids in for mystery players. One is believed to be a Derby midfielder that I can't spell so I'll pretend not to know any of them. We have also managed to lure away the Celtic captain to come and play for us. God knows how. But then Glenn and the man upstairs do have a special connection.
Henri Camara is back - he arrived after Celtic shipped him out and then Southampton paid a few more mullah for him to get them relegated as well. Three relegations in three seasons - good going Henri! We've also got Rohan Ricketts in from Spurs. Nobody has left which is quite good for a change. We should do pretty well this season if when we do sell Camara for £3million (it's going to happen) and then that money goes back into the team. I reckon a top two finish is likely - after all, we do have a God given right to be in the Premier League. Then Glenn will go to manage the French national team and we'll come straight back down after re-signing Henri Camara..
Soundbites(from assorted census correspondents)
"You have to much spare time" (you're kidding aren't you? Any idea how long this lot took...? - ed)
"Mud is great"
"as if you are gonna read this anyhow!!!" (ha! that showed you... - ed)
"I would like to share my annoyance at the lenght and regularity of advert breaks on the telly. They now appear random and last for anything up to 5 minutes, Disgraceful. Thanks for listening."
"Glenn Hoddle is a Ledgend"