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BLIND, STUPID AND DESPERATE
 
05/06: Preview: Watford
Factfile and Other Bits

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In:
Jordan Stewart (Leicester City, 125,000)
Martin Devaney (Cheltenham Town, Free)
Ben Gill (Arsenal, Free)
Adam Griffiths (KV Oostende, Free)
Junior (Derby County, Free)
Sietes (Real Murcia, Free)
Marlon King (Nottingham Forest, Season Loan)

Out:
Heidar Helguson (Fulham, 1,300,000)
Danny Webber (Sheffield United, 500,000)
Brynjar Gunnarsson (Reading, Undisclosed)
Omari Coleman (Lincoln City, Free)
Neil Cox (Cardiff City, Free)
Jermaine Darlington (Cardiff City, Free)
Sean Dyche (Northampton Town, Free)
Ben Herd (Shrewsbury Town, Free)
Paul Mayo (Lincoln City, Free)
Jason Norville (Barnet, Free)
Jack Smith (Swindon Town, Free)
Bruce Dyer
Andy Ferrell

Soundbites (from assorted Census correspondents)

"1) I used to go to work on a helicopter
2) I weigh more than I should
3) I didnt think Watford Football Club could be in a worse position since Vialli [spit] but I fear for the immediate future"

"I miss Robbo." (yes, Sophie, I guessed - ed)

"I didn't cheat with the capital of Ecuador but I did cheat with the spelling of Brynjar Gunnarsson. Also if you need some gravy done, I can do it well."

"Skippy the bush kangaroo was not in fact a kangaroo at all, he was a wallaby - isn't that devastating! "

"as a fan, you should always know the answer to the gravy question. but i don't. sorry."

"Our cat hasn't caught a sparrow for years now."

"On second thought i'd kill those neighbours if we could get a decent striker or 2"

"Dont worry about team selection as by the time survey is over we will of sold most of them anyway"

"Graham Simpson is a moron. Oh, and I got back from Uganda yesterday and am very worried that this is one of the first things I'm doing back in England. You bastards - I should be enjoying the English summer! Thorpe should have been picked over Pietersen for the Ashes. Colin Montgomerie has bigger tits than most page three models. I'm clearly bored - arrivederci"

"I would love a nice quiet, mundane season after the roller coast events of the last few years. Mid-table obscurity whilst optimistic would be lovely. I would also like the club to rediscover its identity as a football club which cares about its fans rather than just another fly-by-night business. The club has been very much damaged by recent events. Oh, Ray Lewington deserves a knighthood for services rendered to football in general and Watford in particular."

"When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother: "What will I be? Will I be Watford, or Luton Town?" Here's what she said to me: 'Well, it's a close call until 2005, both clubs enjoying periods of superiority. Then, suddenly, Watford will become a soulless, lifeless club and will plummet like a sparrow with a 10 ton weight round its neck. So if I were you, I'd plump for Luton. She had a point."

"There should be more of these survey's throughout the season" (f*** off! - ed)

"The border tensions between Equador and Peru have lessened recently" (But you didn't cheat on the Ecuador question, right? - ed)

"Stupid bloody pointless questions !! Is this what you do all summer ? No wonder our supporters are dickheads." (love you too, Clive - ed)

"Lets get behind our football team shall we and stop moaning, things happen they're bad, that's life nothing's ever fair when it comes to football. Cut out SOME of the negativity. So come on you hornssss!"
(there were a few of these. but not too many - ed)

"I've never been so depressed before the start of the season, not even in Division Three. This team is a near certainty to finish in the bottom three. But I remain hopeful!" (LOTS of these though - ed)

"I mever get quoted anyway" (is it any wonder, with speling like that? - ed)

"Everyone at BSAD should cheer up and stop being so bloody miserable. We know Simpson is a Dick, we know Gibbs was very badly treated and deserves a job - but life goes on. Get back to being funny. " (hrrrrmph - ed)

"A German once tried to find out if there was really arsenic in apple pips. He saved up a cup full of pips and then ate them. Guess what happened........... yep died of arsenic posion. Always new those Germans were strange."

"My head hurts and I haven't been drunk for nearly two months, two bloody months. Hang on, I think I know why my head hurts."

"I didnt know my girlfriend was clever enough to know the capital of ecuador!"

"I know a fantastic Army Surplus store Ig can get a new green bag from, hell if he wanted he could have a pink bag with yellow polka-dots! aparently pink is the new khaki."

"Expect our website to make endless jokes along the lines of the Main Mahon, King Marlon and junior a go go. Poor."

"Deeply underwhelmed by the signing of Junior, hence his ommision from my XI. Can we not afford Shipperley"

"Bring Back Nigel Gibbs"

"The glass is empty and the bar maids minging (even after 8 pints)... oh go on then!"

"much better than the average double glazing questionnaire i must say, fair play to you all"

"Keith Burkinshaw died in 1995 and has been moved around by his family since then. Adrian Boothroyd has borrowed his corpse to lend him some greatly needed credibilty"

"The gravy question is pointless because if any Watford player showed any proficiency at it, Graham Simpson would give him away to Cardiff asap."

"I am hot. The heating is stuck ON in my house. No doubt it will break down for the winter."

"i should be decorating the kids room"

"Adrian Boothroyd's wife is a very nice lady as is Ken Bates wife. KB though is a git."

"Stubbing your toe with the lights turned off, hurts much more than with the lights on."

"There is no substitute in football for having a decent set of players"

"Certain muds are very good for skin problems e.g. psoriasis"

"Too much variation in ticket prices last year. 23 for Reading and Leicester last year but 5 for others-why? Always amazed at how much people are prepared to pay. Why is it assumed that I want Watford to go up? Last time was hardly a barrel of laughs"

"What happened to Chris Pullen (think i spelt that right, he played under 4 different managers in the 80's/90's), or was he a figment of my imagination?"

"Just because I live in Washington DC should not mean I have join bloody Watford World to get commentary on games!"

"alochol is a diuretic. So if you're in a desert with nothing to drink than beer will you die quicker through dehydration if you drink the beer or not? It's worrying me"

"With Regards the Contract killing: I accept Paypal, Bank Transfers, Visa, Mastercard, Bankers Cheque. Unfortuantley due to influences outside of my control I am unable to accept Visa Electron cards. My operating hours are 9am - 5.15pm. The fee above (85.95) does not include expenses - likely expenses are travel costs, parking, lunch (consisting of 2x cheese and onion Greggs Pasties, one packet of smokey beef Monster Munch, one kitkat (4 finger) and an apple. Merci."

"Anyone else losing interest in Watford?"

"I am suffering from a severe case of lacking football-itis but I also feel that when the season gets going (badly) that I will look back very fondly on June and July. Keep up the good work :o) King and Junior - Jesus wept!"

"Teen Wolf Too is an insult to the original, and all who watch it in good faith"

"don`t you think that calling the Championship "Division 2" is a bit childish? " (don't you think calling Division 2 "The Championship" is a bit ridiculous? - ed)

"My girlfriend has to be able to name the Watford 97/98 champions team before I will propose to her."

"Graham Simpson is Watford's John Gurney - F1 track to be announced on Wednesday, awkward chicane at Charter Place, banked corner to be built at Bushey Arches."

"I once saw a man kiss another man that looked like a girl by accident (Mathers)"

"sack the board, sack the manager and i will take over. I have won the uefa cup twice, FA Cup three times and just got into the Champions league with eleven englishmen in the side, on football manager of course. So i think I am just as qualified as betty boothroyd"

"Bonser Out! Lesley Wise for Chairman! (oh! really!!)"

"It wasn't cheating. Just because we all can't remember stuff and have to rely on aide memoires* doesn't mean it's cheating. I mean - some people remember Laurens ten Heuvel's clubs. Also beards - two words: Roger Joslyn. Aar! (*that'll be the name of our manager's autobiography. then)."