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BLIND, STUPID AND DESPERATE
 
05/06: Reports:

Football League Division Two Play-off Semi-Final 2nd Leg, 09/05/06, 7.45pm
Watford
versus
Crystal Palace
 
Not over
By Matt Rowson

Three-nil. Three. Nil. I think we'd probably have taken that before the game...

But it ain't over. Not quite, not yet. Palace have a more expensively assembled squad than us, more experience, more savvy. We've beaten them three-nil at their place, they're capable of doing the same to us. The pressure's off them, they have nothing to fear.

Nothing.

Except Ben Foster.

Ben Foster. His signing the subject of much debate earlier in the season, less so now. With experience the occasional slips are much fewer and further between, and we have a keeper of stature and an extra sweeper to boot. A great shot stopper, commanding in the air, phenomenal distribution. An intimidating obstacle. So Palace have nothing to fear... except Ben Foster.

And Lloyd Doyley.

Lloyd Doyley. An absolute limpet of a defender. Pace and poise and composure. If he's marking you you might as well have stayed in bed... or had a blanket thrown over you before being clubbed into irrelevance. He'll score a goal one day, too. So Palace have nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster and Lloyd Doyley.

And Jordan Stewart.

Jordan Stewart. Pure guts. An attacking outlet, a defensive safety net. Andy Johnson's still looking for the sight of goal he thought he'd had in the first half on Saturday. Palace have nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley and Jordan Stewart.

And Malky Mackay.

Malky Mackay. Having a pint. Eating a pie. Been there, done it, bought the t-shirt, nutted the t-shirt. Don't piss with him, Palace boys, d'ye ken? Be afraid. Seriously. Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, and particularly Malky Mackay.

And Jay Demerit.

Jay jay jay. From the U-S-A. If the Americans have got four or five better central defenders than Jay, then Christian Vieri, Jan Koller and co are going to get a hell of a kicking in the summer. Did you notice how Andy Johnson started flinching in anticipation as soon as he received the ball in the second half. Ha ha ha. Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, and Jay Demerit.

And James Chambers.

James Chambers. Bloody hell. He was always quick, but... it's as if a couple of months on the bench have charged the batteries to the extent that he is capable of sprinting for ninety minutes. Jobi McAnuff must be seeing him in his nightmares. In the queue at Waitrose. In the khazi. Still running. Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit and James Chambers.

And Gavin Mahon.

Gavin Mahon. The heavy artillery... but deceptive. Boom goes the challenge. And then they stand off, expecting a sideways pass to someone who ISN'T the midfield cruncher. So he slips Marlon in, a surgically precise incision. Gotcha. Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit, James Chambers and Gavin Mahon.

And Matthew Spring.

Matthew Spring. Used to be... well, you know. Shimmy shimmy, flick, shimmy. Bang. Sorted. Pick that one out. Laughin'. Are you watching Luton Town? Does anyone care? Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit, James Chambers, Gavin Mahon and Matthew Spring.

And Ashley Young.

Ashley Young. My word. Do you remember that goal in the friendly against Zaragoza? When this kid with spindly legs belted a shot past a stunned Spanish keeper from a good thirty yards? Wallop. How do you anticipate the unpredictable? How do you counter magic dust? Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit, James Chambers, Gavin Mahon, Matthew Spring and Ashley Young.

And Big Doris.

Darius Henderson. If Duncan Ferguson was ten years younger. And from Doncaster. And not a complete tosser. And yet he's more than "just" a target man, as his awesome sprayed ball to Ashley Young in the first half at Selhurst demonstrated. Nothing to fear. Except Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit, James Chambers, Gavin Mahon, Matthew Spring, Ashley Young and Big Doris.

And Marlon. Obviously Marlon. I mean, bloody hell.

And Ali Bang Bang. A cork up the arse of any opponent's creative instinct. And Adrian Mariappa. One day HE will score a goal and then, oh boy. And Chris Eagles. Runs with the ball like he's ice skating. And Anthony McNamee. Could be tied in chains, padlocked three times, wrapped in a sack with a banner tied around his forehead and still get a bloody cross in. And Clarke Carlisle. a bloody-minded behemoth. And Alec. He's done this all before, you know.

And Betty. Lauded alumnus of the University of the Car. What an achievement already. Saturday itself was as much his victory as the team's. And then you've got the rest of the season.

So all you've really got to worry about, Palace, is Ben Foster, Lloyd Doyley, Jordan Stewart, particularly Malky Mackay, Jay Demerit, James Chambers, Gavin Mahon, Matthew Spring, Ashley Young, Big Doris, Marlon, Ali Bang Bang, Adrian Mariappa, Chris Eagles, Anthony McNamee, Clarke Carlisle, Alec and Betty.

Not over. But the value of your investment can fall as well as rise, Palace. Do yourselves a favour. Stay at home.