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04/05: Reports:

Football League Division Two, 26/02/05, 3.00pm
Wolverhampton Wanderers
By Henry Henries, Chief Football Correspondent

When Wolves and Watford meet on Saturday, there will be fireworks of a different kind. Metaphorical fireworks, rather than actual fireworks. Like fireworks, but quieter and safer. And cheaper. Make no mistake, though, when the fuse is lit on this crucial clash, and the catherine wheel of fortune turns, we will be one step closer to knowing who will be crowned Champions of the Championship Championship.

For former Swindon and France boss Glenn Hoddle, much is still at stake. Speaking exclusively at a press conference earlier this week, he commented on his belief that much can still happen before the curtain falls in May, saying that "Promotion is still a possibility, for me. Not for Wolves, obviously, but for me."

Even if that doesn't happen, his forthcoming book - "Transcendental Meditation Through Keepy-Uppy" - is sure to be a hit with housewives and greengrocers alike. All part of the path to redemption for the former Cyprus and East Fife manager, after his controversial spell as head of the Football Association.

For the Wanderers, it's been a long and difficult season since being relegated from the Premiership Championship after a points deduction for not winning any games. After an application to join the Champions League Championship was refused, the club has been forced to compete with the likes of Gillingham, Stoke and Leeds United, even though they're dirty and talk common.

Due to an unfortunate incident with indelible ink, ex-Arsenal gaffer Glen Hoddles is set to name an unchanged side for the visit of middle-flying Watford to Molineux, where the home side have run out on each of the last four occasions. On the back of seven straight results, the home side will be looking to continue their form, and challenging the Hornets to stop them from recording yet another score.

Whatever happens, the 'hamptons will be boosted by the return of Michael Oakes in goal; Oakes hasn't played since the last match, having previously been ever-present, even when the lights were turned off and everyone else had gone home. Paul Jones will fall foul of rules which date back to Einstein and state, quite clearly and categorically, that a footballer cannot be on two different teams at the same time. Matt Murray is Yarrum Ttam backwards, which is a bit sneaky.

In defence, Mark Clyde's advertising hoarding fetish can make him prone to losses of concentration at vital moments. In one of football's cruel ironies, his occasional replacement, Mark Kennedy, suffers from an advertising hoarding phobia that can make him prone to losses of concentration at vital moments. When neither of these are playing, someone else is, and when they're not playing, someone entirely different is, and that's just the nature of modern football. Lee Naylor is keen on cars.

The 'derers full-back options are completed by Rob Edwards, brought to the club by former Minnesota Vikings coach Glen Hodgles for his remarkable impressions of all five Abba members. Great things were expected of Keith Lowe, until he was set upon by crows.

Joleon Lescott is a tough, streetwise undercover cop on a mission to uncover corruption in the beautiful game...but when there's nowhere else to turn, will he stay true to his ideals or his teammates?

Despite repeated denials, unnamed sources within the club continue to suggest that Jody Craddock smells of wee-wee and likes girls. Mikkel Bischoff once won a turkey in a raffle, while Joachim Bjorklund is thought to have been the first player to master the now-ubiquitous "Cruyff Turn" when he was playing for Scarborough in the early eighties.

With Kevin Cooper still in hiding, Colin Cameron has been recalled from a highly successful loan spell with the Japanese military, during which he was decorated for his role in smashing a lucrative noodle-forging racket. Shaun Newton is currently appearing as James Bond in a local production of You Only Live Twice, which was acclaimed as "highly unusual" by the Wolverhampton Echo and "quite ambitious" by the Washington Post; he is currently quoted at 5-1 by bookmakers to replace Pierce Brosnan.

In the 'pton midfield, Seji Olofinjana, highly rated by ex-New York Dolls head honcho Glen Hodges, is the only player in the Football League with no vowels in his name, despite evidence to the contrary. Paul Ince was available for comment, but we didn't bother. Roy Keane doesn't play for Wolves, although his agent insists that "he's getting over it".

The forward line was once spear-headed by George Ndah, who has since found more gainful employment by staying at home to tape Trisha for the rest of the lads. Instead, the attack for the 'ers is likely to feature Carl Cort, who is easily identified by his lucky pirate hat, and Dean Sturridge, who is so quick that the speed cameras in the Molineux area have to be turned off between three and five o'clock on alternate Saturdays. Kenny Miller has taken out a court injunction to prevent us from using a joke about Camberwick Green. Ki-Hyeon Seol is no relation to Bertie.

For Wolves supremo Glyn Hodges, every game against his former club has a special edge. "Yeah, I had some good times at Watford," he said this week, before adding, "I've absolutely no idea why you're asking me about it now, though." For the Hornets, a win would re-build confidence after a midweek drubbing at Portman Road; for Wolves, it surely only a matter of time before a return to their rightful place in the Premiership Championship.

Time is infinite, though.

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